I have some thoughts about how you might be able to offer advice to your mentees, would you be interested in hearing it?

It’s fair to say that most of the individuals we are mentoring will, at some point, seek us out to learn from our experience, receive direction when faced with a big decision, or need help thinking through a problem. In our experience training senior mentors and leaders, there is a natural tendency to jump in and fill this need for our trainees and direct or correct them when needed.

No doubt, there are scenarios where advice or experience might be exactly what our mentee needs – but we all can recall instances where a mentee does not follow our direction or take the path we discussed. Why does this occur and what is happening?

What may seem like good advice to us may not align with the values, priorities, or goals of the mentee seeking guidance. It’s important to respect their individuality and consider their own values and priorities when offering advice. Constantly relying on others for advice can create a sense of dependency and disempowerment in the mentee seeking guidance. It’s important to encourage individuals to trust their own judgment and decision-making abilities, rather than always seeking external validation.

Rather than “reflexively righting” the errors, or describing what our mentees should be doing, we can be more successful if we maintain our collaborative partnership – build upon their strengths and resources. In the ideal mentor-mentee relationship we would infrequently impart our own advice and consistently seek to build solutions WITH our mentee.

So, how do you impart useful information to your mentee while also maintaining a collaborative partnership? Borrowing a technique developed from Motivational Interviewing (Miller & Rollnick, 2012) the framework of “Ask-Offer-Ask” is going to be an essential ingredient of the successful mentor-mentee relationship. The “Ask-Offer-Ask” technique aims to support the mentee’s autonomy and decision-making process. It helps create a collaborative space where a mentee can explore their own motivations, consider alternatives, and ultimately make informed choices that align with their values and goals.

Here’s an example of how it might work:

1. Ask: The first step is explore the mentee’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations. By doing so, you encourage the mentee to reflect and share their experiences without imposing your own judgments or assumptions. This helps to create a safe and non-confrontational environment for them to express themselves.

2. Offer: Once you have gained an understanding of the mentee’s perspective, you can then offer information, options, or perspectives that might be helpful or relevant to their situation. It’s important to present this information in a non-directive and non-confrontational manner, allowing the mentee to consider and evaluate it on their own terms.

3. Ask: After offering information or options, the critical step is to ask the mentee how they feel about it or what they think about the possibilities presented. This helps to encourage their active participation and engagement in the decision-making process. By asking for their thoughts and opinions, you empower them to take ownership of their choices and decisions.

Remember, if a mentee asks for your advice, first gather information about their experience before engaging in Ask-Offer-Ask. Future posts will discuss how we might use sophisticated verbal behavior to elucidate a mentee’s desires and assist them in building their own solutions. Stay tuned for how we might posture a mentee in the best possible way to enact their own vision and foster their ability to dig deep and materialize their own preferred future.

How does that information sit with you?